The Lonely Road

Harry Potter walks into the forbidden forest alone to face Voldemort.
Jesus journeys alone into the desert to face the devil and its temptations.

These two models of faith and self-sacrifice have been on my mind lately. I am not this type of hero. But I take something from their example.

I have read that the bravest warriors are forged in fire. I have not read that they take their buddies, or significant others, or even families with them. These warriors take on the most trying parts of their journeys alone.

The truth is, running a marathon is a lonely journey. In fact, I sometimes think that might be at the heart of why I took it on. A part of me wondered if I could handle training so long and so hard and for so many hours at a time, alone.

As four months and mile after mile of training have passed, I’ve realized how lonely I am. How lonely this is. Few people understand the motivation to do it to begin with. I am blessed by those that do. But no one is out there running 14, 16 or 18 miles with me. I am on my own day in and day out. I am making food choices alone, rest choices alone, and balancing my job and social life alone. I am feeling like my feet will fall off after 13 miles of running with 5 more to go, alone. I am trying to rationalize this crazy thing that no one makes you do, alone.

Yet, I am convinced that this is how it is meant to be. This, in so many ways, is not a choice. I would love to have someone to train with, there wasn’t anyone who could….who wanted to. I wound up running mostly by myself when I went to a running group! And I still knew I needed to do it. Of course, Jesus and Harry Potter knew what they needed to do too and didn’t let the fear of loneliness stop them from going where they were called to be-someplace scary without the safety net of a friend, or even a stuffed animal or blanket. I am certain that pain, suffering and feelings of abandonment were part of their journeys too. I know they are part of mine.

I was reminded, by two hawk sightings on my 18-mile run, that God is still there. In the first mile the hawk was flying so low I could see its eyes and details of its feathers. Maybe God is not as far away as God sometimes seems. But God who seems to appear in the form of a hawk these days, seems to be around, only for brief moments, as if just to say “you are fulfilling your soul’s purpose.”

Fulfilling your soul’s purpose is not a group project. Loneliness and feeling abandoned, left to face the cold, the hills and the miles alone, is a necessary part of the training. The bravest warriors are forged in fire and the fire is a lonely, difficult, painful place to be. But it is necessary. It is part of the journey. I have faith in that much. I am betting so did Harry, and Jesus. No one desires coming face to face with loneliness, pain, and weakness, but if we are to be who we are called to be, we must. After all, no two souls have the same purpose. I know I am supposed to keep training. That’s all I know. So in the fire I remain for now, praying for the patience to wait and the grace to endure it, alone.