Letting Go

Before I decided to run this marathon, there were a lot of goodbyes. I didn’t move or take a new job. This time, all of the goodbyes were caused by other people moving away while I chose to stay put. My friends, on the tough days, were my sense of purpose. Often what they wanted for me was what I did. Not that this is a bad thing! True friends and family reflect your own desires back to you, and want the very best for you. But what do you do, when they aren’t there, helping you figure out what that is? What do you do when everything you thought you counted on to help define you falls away and there you are alone?

Without really knowing it, I listened to myself. Running in the dark and cold I allowed these questions to exist and the pain of loneliness to move from my heart through my body. In many ways, I think it was the holy spirit that allowed me the grace to be patient through this time, that challenged me to run with loneliness rather than distract myself from it. It was as if God placed those long miles before me just to say “Stay with this.”

It was the most difficult journey of my life so far. To be without everything I knew and try to make sense of who I am, who I had become and what I really wanted. Those are not easy questions to answer. I am still trying to answer them.

I have found incredible grace here. Ways of encountering the holy I never dreamed of: red tailed hawks, indigo buntings, being lost, making choices, finding the strength to say “no” to people I love, and trusting myself when no one seemed to understand. I found new people who understood this part of my soul and deeper friendship with the friends who stayed with me through this. I found a way to let the quiet, the loneliness, and grief make space for new life. I found a way to just listen to myself, and to the God who calls me to simply be who I am, and follow my deepest desires wherever they will lead.

I found a way to accept myself and my path without depending on someone else to second the motion. While I still seek and need and love the companionship of great friends, I know now that if I am without those companions for awhile, God is still there.

It’s been over a month since the race concluded and I see now that dreams change. Somewhere in the midst of that race I knew I wasn’t going to finish in the 5 hour time goal I set for myself. In that same moment I knew that just finishing was going to be a tremendous success. Had I really known what I was in for, I might have stuck to “just finishing” as the goal.

That’s the thing about following your heart. You really never know what you’re in for when you start. You might have to let go of your previous vision of success and some of what you thought you needed to get there. It’s like setting off without a GPS or a map. You will inevitably get lost, but the beauty you will see by opening yourself to the guidance of your surroundings and the excitement of the adventure are worth the inconvenience. The journey really begins with the action of letting go.