Denial

People say a lot about denial. It’s a coping mechanism, a pleasant relief, a necessary part of grief, etc. It’s easy to spend a lot of time there, pretending bad things aren’t happening or the ugly truth of a situation isn’t really there. I get it, but denial has never been kind to me.

Denial is like a pesty fly when sitting in a comfortable spot. It keeps swooping around my head, buzzing in my ear, landing on me, and making me itchy. It reminds me that where I am really isn’t very comfortable, and until I get a fly swatter or move, I can’t really be at peace. Having tried to sit through a number of pesty flys in my life, I now know I’d rather get the fly swatter right away than even attempt to get comfortable in a spot where the buzzing of truth is going to pester me without ceasing.

Last Saturday, I had a brief visit with denial. I skipped running for two weeks. The last time I ran, I had a bout of heat exhaustion that left me nauseated and exhausted for the rest of the day. I was certain my next run would be no different so I avoided it. Easy to do when on vacation (denial looked less like a pesty fly and more like a relaxing beach chair). But now I was home. Home with a free day and cool temperatures and I did not want to run.

Running meant facing the truth about how out of shape I was. I dreaded the feeling of shin splints and being out of breath. I told myself “just a few miles, go easy on yourself. Just get back in the habit.” I took an hour to get dressed, and put new music on my ipod. I put it off, still knowing I had to face the truth and grab that fly swatter, however unpleasant it might be.

The fly of denial had a surprised me that day. I chased it out the door and down the beginning of my usual 3 mile route. When I got to a place where I turn to go three, or go straight to do the 5 mile hilly route (that’s actually one of the prettiest runs I do), the fly led me towards 5. I thought it might be too much so I went for a block towards my 3 miler, but the pesty fly kept buzzing the words “just go for it.” So I turned back and headed on the 5 mile route. What did I have to lose? I could always walk the end if I needed to. And I felt surprisingly good that day.

It was one of the best runs I ever had. I cruised up hills with ease and soaked in the beauty of late summer. The smell of cut grass and sounds of people setting up for garage sales. This 5 mile or so route and fabulous feeling restored my confidence in running, in what it does for me and how it makes me feel. It reminded me that I am not always going to suffer from heat exhaustion or feel out of shape when I run. In this instance, my imagination of the truth was so much worse than actually facing it.

This is why I hate denial. It makes the truth worse and allows us to sell ourselves short in what we think we can handle. . In fact, facing the truth can be more than getting rid of a pest. It can be a pleasant run, newfound confidence, and the freedom of a great summer run.