Getting Real and Getting Stronger

Once again, I was rushing out of work trying to get home, change clothes, and get out the door for my evening run. I needed to squeeze in six miles at my target marathon pace and doubted my ability to do so. It’s hard enough to hit my ambitious goal pace when I have stoplights and hills to contend with, and I have been tired and overwhelmed. I took off fast, letting anxious energy go with each step.

I breathed in the cold air and let my thoughts drift to a conversation I had earlier that day.

I’ve been in this hard-to-define friendship for over a year. The meetings and conversations have been great but I always leave a little unsatisfied. Today was no exception. It’s not the hour or so spent, but the question “what’s next?” I always want more. I wonder how to accept what is good, and let go of the rest. I am still searching for what it will take for peace around this.

Today I was trying in some way to out run this issue. Maybe if I just go fast enough, I will get past this ambiguity and anxious energy that plague me and find my way to being settled. Why was I so unsettled about this anyway?

I am immersed in busyness, and overwhelming amounts of transition. With almost everyone around me in crisis mode all of the time (for good reasons) and trying not to succumb to it myself, I am longing for some sort of rock to cling to. Someone to say, “You’re going to make it.” In times of chaos, sometimes we need friends who aren’t wondering themselves if they can get through it. We need to be reminded that we are still loveable no matter what curveballs life throws at us. We need to know steady people who see the good and beauty in us in our darkest times.

By circumstance, the people around me have too much going on. They all need their own rocks. I realized that it was relief to sit for an hour today without wondering how to be supportive, or how to hold the challenges of someone else, and simultaneously struggle with my own. Even with the ambiguity around the mechanics of the friendship, there are still elements of support. Of being appreciated for who I am during difficult times. This is one friend who isn’t in crisis mode. The conversations bring clarity and peace to my chaos for just a little while.

Those conversations also remind me what I have lost: rocks in my life that have moved to different places; who aren’t where I can see them. I still grieve the loss of their daily presence. Perhaps that’s why the sadness around this relationship. Sometimes it’s easier to try to forget the things you miss most.

I picked up the pace, not knowing what else to do. I looked down at my watch at mile six. I finished 42 seconds faster than my target time. I walked the last block to my house, caught my breath and thought about how much strength it takes to grow. It means looking at our lives and being honest about what isn’t working, what we miss, and what we need. Strength is paying attention to unsettled feelings long enough to discover where they come from. Maybe we won’t know how to fix it right away. But we will eventually. Having the courage struggle, and admit to pieces of our lives being empty or broken will only move us towards healing faster—in this case, maybe 42 seconds faster.