Why Am I Doing This?

The last week has been full of “Why am I doing this?” moments.

I am sure we’ve all had them. Times when the endeavor we’ve chosen seems too much to handle. Too hard. Not worth it. Those moments when we think seriously about throwing in the towel.

The moments of regular life—new job, school, transplant details and all of the why I am I doing this questions that go with each of those culminated in on Sunday, when my training plan called for my first 15 mile run. I was sitting on my couch in my running clothes, eating my sandwich and trying not to dread the run ahead. I tried to psych myself up but I kept thinking “I don’t have to do this. This is optional. Why am I doing this?”

For me, these moments always lead to some looking back over how I wound up here. What on earth possessed me to make this choice? Why did it ever seem like a good idea?

I thought about the freedom of choice. I didn’t have to run this afternoon and I didn’t have to run a marathon. While I was at it I didn’t have to do my homework or donate my kidney. But I knew I couldn’t back out. I knew I would be out the door in a half hour running mile after endless mile and following through with all of those other things. To do otherwise would be to deny my essential nature—to deny who I am and the faith I have in those decisions.

I knew this was going to be hard. Nothing about running 15 miles is easy. A quote from A League of Their Own popped into my head. “Hard? Of course it’s hard. It’s supposed to be hard. If it weren’t everyone would do it. It’s the hard that makes it great.”  It’s supposed to be hard. I wasn’t sure about that. I don’t think these long hard runs, whatever they are for us, are meant to always teach us some lesson. I don’t think this is ‘for a reason.”

But I had to do it. I had to do it because it’s what I love and who I am. Not being out there with hurting feet at mile twelve, and three more to go, but being an endurance runner. Being someone who commits to something I want to do and following through.  

Why am I doing this? Because I can’t imagine not.

Deep inside all of us is some sort of compass that tells us where we’re supposed to go and who we are supposed to be. We, being the creatures of free will that we are, can follow that or deny it. We can say yes or no to love and to ourselves. To say yes to love, to the direction our compass points, means sometimes following it right into darkness and difficult times. Hard is just part of the journey. There’s no way to being authentic without facing some daunting and lonely roads.

We can seek out the easy way, or turn back, or we can follow the direction we know we need to go, even when it’s difficult. I stepped out the door and looked down my street. I thought about the marathon, and what it meant to say yes right now. I thought about being the middle of the next hard choice, the next hard journey and the preparation that this run is for that moment. I took a deep breath and took off. Suddenly 15 miles didn’t seem so long after all.