FInding your Patronus

I know the Dementors are fictitious characters--a figment of J.K. Rowling's imagination in the Harry Potter books. I believe their effects are real. Dementors are characters said to suck every happy thought from their prey; to deny their victims any sense of hope. To combat them, one must focus on a happy memory and yell, with conviction, "Expecto Patronum." This spell produces a Patronus--a silvery image of an animal or other mythical creature that will fend off the Dementor.

I learned this week, if I am going to get through the marathon, I have to find a way to conjure a Patronus.

I faced the mental Dementors on a route I’ve done 100 times with no trouble. It’s a standard, hilly 5.5 miles. My usual “hour run.” After the first mile and half I turned to the hills and simply shut down. My legs felt great, the temperature was a warmish 30 degrees, and all of a sudden I was walking, coughing, trying to get a deep breath. I regained control of my body and started running again, only to stop moments later. “What’s happening?” I was shaking my head puzzling out why I couldn’t run these hills. It was as if, after all this training, I was afraid of working too hard, of pushing myself. My entire body felt on edge and jittery and I knew it was just mind games.

I tried to focus on the music on my ipod, on happy thoughts, on the marathon, anything good I could think of. I tried to dig deep and find a happy place. I tried dedicating this run to people I loved. I had long inner monologues iterating things like how great I am, just put one foot in front of the other, and you can DO this. You have done it. Just go.

None of it worked. Alternately walking and running I tried to puzzle out this problem. I have faced these mental blocks before. Certain times and routes have done this to me. I have yet to find a way through it. I have yet to know what to do when I face this.

And then the idea of a Patronus occurred to me. I have to find that happy memory, that thing that’s so powerfully good, that I can cling to it when I am facing the mental Dementors. Repeating positive phrases is not enough. At that point, I just don’t believe them anymore. Fear takes over and it’s a difficult thing to shake.

I am not sure how I am going to learn this Patronus charm. I do not know when or how these Dementors will sneak up on me in the course of training runs. I have dozens of theories about why they show up, and what the issues are, but in the moments of fear, those theories will not help. I need to learn the charm. In the coming weeks my training will add a new dimension—a mental dimension. I know now I need to seek the help of those more experienced in dealing with Dementors. I need to find the joyful thought of which I can grab hold, and the confidence to acknowledge the fear and defeat it. I used to think I was pretty good at this mental game, but the marathon has a way of bringing forth the Dementors in all of us. I believe that those who succeed find a way to face them. Expecto Patronum!