Keeping the Channel Open

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is; nor how valuable it is; nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly of the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction; a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.—Martha Graham

Lately, I have wondered why it is I keep running? Why do I keep chasing the distance when I am not particularly good at it? I am pretty slow and there are limits to how much I can improve. I’m not interested in beating anyone else, or even whether or not I beat my own best times. While goals give me something to strive for they aren’t at the heart of why I do this. So why keep going so long, and so hard, all of the time?

I have always known I was never running away from anything. Somewhere along the way running became a spiritual need. It wasn’t just about exercise or marathons or calories burned. It became an essential part of my existence. Running is my life force translated into action.

Running keeps my channel open. It is an expression of me, whether I always believe in it or not. This quote explains why the distances, and faster times are not enough. That blessed unrest keeps me going and it refuses to be satisfied by momentary accomplishments: finisher’s medals and PRs.

No, running is not about a sport for me. It is about being alive. There is a certain kind of sadness, and loneliness that will take over if we let it. That sadness has been at my door, threatening to consume me. There are days when I feel like I am throwing my entire body weight against the door to keep it closed, and still feel hopelessness fighting back, pushing through, the door bulging at the hinges. This constant fight is exhausting. There are times when I want to give up. Let the door swing open, and despair take over. I want to succumb to that monster that tells me no one would care very much if I just quit believing in myself and in love. Those days, I go for a run.

I have to run to process the ache and emptiness in my soul. Those long distances with just my feet to carry me help tame the monster of despair that just waits for me to forget that I am alive, and that I have something to give this world that only I can give.

Running for me isn’t about running away. It is about freedom. It is about throwing off the chains of doubt and remembering that no matter how broken, lonely and lost I might be, the world still needs my life force. With every deep breath and foot strike, I find a little more strength to keep the channel open. The world depends on it. So I keep running.